Thoughts without flow.......

Do you ever wonder if you have made the right decisions? I mean……its been an eventful 2yrs for me. So may changes have occurred in my life, I’ve learnt more in these 2yrs than I have my whole life.They have encompassed the most painful times of my life and also the most happiest.

I have shed tears of pain and also of happiness. I have lost friends and family and gained new ones. I have stumbled across the harsh realities of life. I have realised that your family don’t necessarily include your relatives. One thing that I have learnt is however much you are there for a person, however much you stand by them, holding them firm. However much you put them before yourselves and help them in their time of need , even when you know you have more important things to do. The bottom line is you can’t expect a human being to show gratitude. Expecting someone to realize how much you have sacrificed for them is basically like setting yourself up for a life of misery. I mean how can I expect gratitude from a being that doesn’t show gratitude to its creator (forget me a mere mortal)!

Most of my friends know me as a happy go lucky type of person who takes things as they. Which I do….more so now than before. But underneath all the smiles and jokes, somewhere deep inside the cobwebs that make up my mind lives a confused girl lost somewhere at sea, trying to find her way ashore. When I meet people I do so with a clean heart and good faith ( as Allah is my witness). I try not to hurry in making negative assumption about people, instead I try to look for their positive side. Sometimes people take advantage of this character trait which makes me wonder why I tired so hard to find their good side (some people just dont have a good side unfortunately)

I come from a close knit family (I’m talking my nuclear family and my mum’s sister family). My mum and her sis are so close that both families see each other as an extended nuclear family. We have been through so much together and conquered so many obstacles, each bringing us even more closer. I was living away from everyone else so I had to go through my own obstacles and discovering the dark side of people (which wasn’t pleasant) and realizing who was there for me in my time of need. I have always been an independent person but sometimes there comes a time when you end up needing another human being. I pray to Allah to make me one who is dependant on Him and Him alone…..ameen. I pray Allah never puts me in a position where I have to rely on another human being…..ameen.

I will always try my best to be there for whoever needs my help, be it a friend or stranger. Because I believe if I want Allah help I have to help my fellow human beings (especially my Muslim brothers and sisters). I will readily help anyone if it is within my power……..even the ones who didn’t help me when I needed it (because this could be my big test in this world for all I know). I mean our life in this world is but a preparation for the hereafter where we would spend eternity. Its basically like when u sit for your exams….if you have done all the right things and worked hard then you will expect good grades but if you spent your time wasting it on mindless things instead of studying then you will surely fail. Our life here is like that exam…..if we have worked hard and performed righteous deeds then by the mercy of Allah we can expect the reward of Jannah.

I mean our whole life is for the sake of Allah and him alone. We are not here to impress our fellow human beings….we are here to worship Allah by doing what is halal and avoiding that which is haram. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of our lives we tend to forget this.

Right now am confused about the study choices I have made. I thought biomedical science was for me for me but I’m realizing that I am more suited to a more hands own type of course. I still want to be involved in science (I have real passion for learning about the workings of the human body. I just find it fascinating). There are so many things I want to do with my life but yet I don’t know where to begin. One thing is for sure, I want to be involved in a career where I am able to give something back to the community. I want to do these in an environment where I deal with people as opposed to sitting in lab dealing with their products. It’s my first year in uni and already I am going through a bout of confusion. But alhamdulillah, it’s better for me to realise that this might not be the course for me now rather than three years down the line (after dedicating a lot of time and effort to it).

What has brought all this on? It’s not even that time of the month for me yet…..and still I am experiencing all these emotions. It seems I have been going on and on about what is wrong in my life but let me just say that I am thankful for those people in my life who do look out for me and will look out for me. I am also grateful for the ones who will surprise me by having my back when I least expect it (because I still have hope that people like this might come along…….Allah (SW) always asks us to keep hope because we don’t know what is in store for us).

I guess it’s time for me to wrap up this post………I have ranted enough. Ya Allah increase the love between the ummah and help us conquer the whispers of the shaytan and guide us on the straight path……ameen